Sex is one of the most pleasurable experiences one can have. But most importantly, this exhilarating activity has a plethora of health benefits.
Numerous studies show that sexual activity reduces stress, amplifies mental abilities, and has anti-aging effects.
So becoming a better lover for your partner doesn’t encompass your intimate relationships. It can elevate multiple aspects of your life and wellbeing.
Ready to learn how to be a better lover in and outside the bedroom?
Let’s dive in.
How to Be a Better Lover Outside the Bedroom
Have you heard of the ‘dead bedrooms’ syndrome in relationships? The term refers to partners that have no sex for months and even years. And sadly, sexless relationships are pretty common.
Wonder what causes this syndrome in most couples?
It turns out that more than 50% of couples who reported ‘dead bedrooms’ blame it on work stress.
So the first step to becoming a better lover is to eliminate stress in your life.
Mindset #1: Stress-free mind
When stressed out, your body produces hormones that prevent natural blood flow. In men, it results in erection difficulties as less blood flows into the penis.
Simply put, your sexual health heavily relies on blood flow.
It means that your sex life starts in your brain, or, to be more precise, in your mind. And stress is the biggest sex killer.
This is why having the right mindset is essential for being a better lover or even having sex in the first place. And getting rid of anything that causes stress in your life is your priority #1.
When you keep your peace of mind intact, you can be fully present with your partner in every interaction.
Here are musts for reducing stress:
- Exercise regularly
- Practice breathwork
- Get enough sleep
Mindset #2: Manage your emotions
Most people perceive sexual desire as Muse, an inspirational goddess that visits you once in a while. And it happens outside of your control.
But sexual desire, or sex drive, doesn’t just happen.
According to emotion experts, it is an emotion you can affect positively and negatively through other… emotions!
These affect emotions, coined by psychologist Silvan Tomkins when freely expressed, can make any relationship happy and healthy:
- shame and guilt
Although Tomkins doesn’t include sexual desire as one of our core emotions, you can definitely feel it.
Most importantly, it’s influenced by your core emotions – they can either spark it or kill it.
When you feel joy, you want to connect with your partner, which can ignite your sexual drive. On the contrary, when you feel anger, you want to disconnect from your partner and keep your distance.
The bottom line is that managing your emotions will help you manage your sex drive. And for that, you need to cultivate your emotional awareness by becoming more and more aware of how you feel at any given moment.
Even when you have had a bad day, you don’t want to bring negative emotions into your bedroom.
Just like you take a shower and brush your teeth before going to bed, letting go of the emotions of the day should become part of your daily emotional hygiene.
Mindset #3: Effective communication
The common issue that many couples face is that passion and affection fade away with time. As a result, you talk to each other less and don’t communicate your needs, wants, and desires.
This is true for average relationships, which result from an average effort and unconscious habits.
You can keep it average, or you can grow and expand your love relationship and make it even more passionate than it was during the honeymoon period.
The good news is that you can make this possibility real with the right strategies and a conscious approach.
And the key is effective communication.
What does it mean to communicate effectively?
The best question that you can ask to communicate well is, “Do you create a context in which your partner can freely share their feelings, thoughts, fantasies, hurts, and complains without the fear that you will condemn, attack, lecture, or simply withdraw your energy?”
Effective communication in partnerships doesn’t imply total compliance and agreeableness, nor does it mean you should be happy about everything your partner shares.
It implies that you cultivate an atmosphere of trust, acceptance, and safety. In other words, you create a safe space for your partner to be themselves.
Here are some great communication strategies:
- Pay attention to your partner
- Express appreciation constantly. Say every day what you appreciate and, if possible, also why
- Pay attention to the ratio of complaints to compliments in your communication
- Learn how to handle disagreements intelligently. Make it a habit to take responsibility for your part of the argument
- Demonstrate love habitually
- Leave love notes for each other across your house
Mindset #4: Emotional connection
An emotional connection doesn’t happen overnight. It’s the rapport you build with your partner day after day.
You need to be attuned to each other’s emotions to be on the same page – both in life and in bed.
Here are some great strategies to develop emotional connection:
- Commit to spending sacred time together by creating connection rituals. For example, have weekly date nights
- Travel alone together often (without friends or kids)
- Bring some sensuality into your relationship. Use aroma candles in your bedroom, take a bath together, or send each other spicy messages
- Do fun or sports activities together
- Share secrets and deepest aspirations
5 Mindsets to Become a Better Lover to my Wife
Mindset #1: Embrace your average
Are you obsessing over the size of your penis?
Well, you shouldn’t.
According to Kristopher Lovestone, sex educator and author of the book Conscious Cock: The Empowered Sexuality Manual For Men, women enjoy a larger penis for a one-night stand. Statistically, for long-term relationships, they prefer your average.
And average works for our species evolutionary.
If your sex education is based on porn, let’s face it – male porn stars are paid for every inch of their sex organ. It’s done for men by men, making it action and goal-oriented.
Moreover, being constantly exposed to porn, men have conditioned their bodies to solely one type of stimulation — mental. And the human mind is insatiable.
Essentially, porn sets you up for complete failure to understand women and how to please them.
“You want to embrace your average because you have to live with this animal. You can create art on your partner’s genitals by using other tools in your toolkit,” says Kristopher.
Mindset #2: Include foreplay
Bibi Brzozka, sex educator, explains that women should fully trust and relax, so it takes time. We need foreplay that builds up excitement and pleasure.
The couple therapist Esther Perel adds that foreplay has less to do with your erotic zones. It has more to do with your heart and spirit.
And this foreplay starts outside of your bedroom — it takes dedication and loyalty to each other’s pleasure.
Here are 5 ways to include foreplay in your sexual life:
- Set a love scene in advance – lit up aroma candles, dim the lights in the bedroom, and cover the bed with flower petals.
- Use oils and flavored products.
- Use your partner’s favorite food.
- Send sexual messages to your wife during the day to build up excitement. Say what you are going to do with your partner…
- Give your wife a sensual massage and extend her pleasure to the maximum. Remember that touch is one of the most powerful languages of love.
Mindset #3: Don’t overthink it
How do I last longer? Is it big enough? Am I good enough? Has she come yet?
Does any of these sound familiar?
All these questions keep most men in their heads. The more you overthink the process, the faster you will come.
You hold tension in your body that builds up your orgasm when you are in your head. On the contrary, when you are present in your body, you can become aware of that tension and release it through simple breathing.
Breath connects you to your sensory body, so one long breath will shift you from tension to relaxation.
You want to be deeply attuned to every single moment and enjoy the process. In other words, focus on what feels good instead of how to get there.
Mindset #4: Be interested
You want to be genuinely interested in your partner’s body. Forget about what you already know. Imagine you are a tourist exploring a new country. Be curious about it as if you’re experiencing it for the first time.
Listen to it and react accordingly. Look for these non-verbal clues:
- Do they make pleasurable sounds?
- Do they pull you closer?
- Do they make exaggerated facial expressions?
These are signals your partner is enjoying sex or your particular sex maneuvers.
You want to explore the richness of your partner and the pleasure you can co-create with each other. And it differs from moment to moment.
Focus on the possibility of making it more pleasurable for your wife – the possibility of what you can do in bed goes beyond your limiting beliefs about it.
Mindset #5: Use an expanded toolkit
If you want to be a better love to your wife, you want to use your hands together with your genitals.
In fact, about 75% of all women don’t experience orgasm from penetration.
So how about directing your focus into a) what you do with your penis and b) how you use other parts of your body to please your wife?
In addition, you can awaken your sexual powers using energy practices like tantra. Not only can you learn how to experience a full-body orgasm yourself, but you also give it to your partner by channeling this energy.
4 Mindsets to Become a Better Lover to my Husband
Mindset #1: Give your husband time and space
As we’ve mentioned earlier, stress is the biggest sex killer. And if you help your partner cope with stress effectively, it will make you a better love partner.
According to John Gray, an American relationship counselor, if you allow your man to sit alone and watch their favorite sport or TV show, it will increase their testosterone.
On top of that, they will be more resilient at work and in bed.
So giving your partner some time and space to do things they enjoy significantly contributes to your sex life.
Mindset #2: Say “Yes!”
Let’s admit women have more reasons (or excuses) to refuse their men to have sex.
Headaches, periods, nagging responsibilities, kids, professional duties – so many things are standing in the way of indulging in sexual activity.
As a result, you have a ‘dead bedroom’ relationship.
Saying “Yes!” to sex more often alone will make you a better lover to your husband and nurture your relationship.
Energy medicine proponent Donna Eden explains that sex is energy medicine for your relationship. So you want to say “Yes!” with your heart and mind.
When you find excuses, recognize what keeps you from intimacy and share it openly with your partner.
Mindset #3: Relax
Unlike men, who focus on the outcome, most women focus on everything around them. At worse, they are thinking about their long to-do lists.
One of the reasons that women can’t have mind-blowing orgasms is that they can’t relax fully during sex.
Essentially, women tend to overthink their orgasm,
When you are in your body, feeling your own body, letting go of anything that’s happening outside your bedroom, you can tap into your inner sex goddess.
To help you relax, try mindfulness meditation to let go of all that stress.
Mindset #4: Explore your own body
Do you know your body well, and what gives you the most pleasurable experience during sex?
You want to think of what you want and why you want it, and then explore it first on your own. Just like you use sensual touch with your partner, use this language of love with yourself.
Touch your body to find your erotic zones, and don’t be afraid to go deeper (literally)!
Yoni massage is one of the greatest methods of unlocking your own body’s pleasure. Yoni massage is one of the tantric practices that can help you explore and develop your relationship with your body.
Before you get intimate with yourself, you can’t get fully intimate with your partner. So feel free to explore your sensuality to become entirely open to exploring it even deeper with your partner.
Improving Sex Life as You Grow Older
According to Dr. Amy Killen, one of the biggest myths about sex in modern society is that sex gets worse as we grow older.
But the truth is that with a whole-body approach, sex can get better as you age.
On top of that, regenerative medicine develops methods to regrow and repair cells, organs, or tissues.
For example, the shockwave therapy treatment improves blood flow and repairs stem cells, increases nitric oxide levels, and improves erection by up to 65%.
The key is to be open to growing and transforming, letting go of limiting beliefs and negative self-talk about what you can and cannot do to become a better lover.
Because you can become a better lover, and you will if you want to.
So your mindset is crucial. Whatever you believe to be true about your sexual possibilities and sex life is becoming obsolete as we speak.
If you want to expand your mindset and possibilities, sign up for your daily mindset audios.
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